I Like Him. He Likes Me.

His Name Is Joel. I Am Completely Head Over Heels For Him. When He Calls Me My Heart Jumps. When I Talk To Him, I Never Want To Hang Up. When I'm Not Talking With Him, I Feel So Nervous And Sad. I May Sound Horrible And Creepy, But I'm Not. I'm Simply In Love.

Cat

Tell Me

[Theme By John Brion] - [Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind]

Oh I Know. Why should I be going on about my life when I live in a privileged community with rich parents and enough clothes and food for ten or more starving African children? I wonder this too. I guess Im selfish. I want to know more than I do. Relationships have never worked out for me. I had one online boyfriend. Boy, did that work out. Then he comes and steals my once sane mind and intoxicates my heart. Erik is a beautiful soul. I mean, he may be a little scared of me on behalf of my "rough" appearance [as my mother would put it] and my love for Jeffree Star, but he still talks to me. I really enjoy his company. When he smiles, my heart starts to dance. He indicates that there could be a relationship between us, sometimes. Other times he doesn't seem to think that at all. Im quite confused. Is it the fact that Im a freshman and he is a junior? It couldn't be, for he said that that was not a problem. Could it be that I am just too odd for his taste? I don't think so for I recall him saying that was not a problem as well. Is it my love for Jeffree Star? Once again he said this was weird, but not a problem. Then what is it? I'm really curious to know. It's hard when you have been through so many rejections. When you live in a town that you hate. Surrounded by a sea of stereotypical passer-bys. Just Tell Me. Please? What is going on? Don't set me up for disappointment my dear, for when I fall from my stance, I never quite am fixed fully when repaired.

Im Back and Im Fierce

Hey Baby! It's nice to see you again. My life has changed a whole lot.

I have become a hell of alot more independent. I've gotten off my slacker career and studied more for school. I found a ton more music to ease my soul. I've learned to fall for straight guys rather than the lovely gay men. I text like there is no tomorrow. I swear alot. I fall for girls. I am more comfortable with the subject of sex. I am cold all the time. I decided to go anorexic a bit, for I hate my legs. I have built many friendships. I have become a rebel. I pierced my own ears and they got infected. A love of mine tattooed my name on his chest. I get to go graffiti in the Spring. I draw on myself alot! I love Jeffree Star. I wear tons of eyeliner. I love my Katie so much for she is my sister. I have regretted many things, yet praised most of what I've done. I met Jack. I don't care what you think. I see my psychiatrist again. I have become more vicious. I am getting better grades! I like a Junior named Erik. My brother has changed. I don't like it. My friends are real assholes a bunch of the time. I take shit from no one. I wear much eyeliner. I love bows. I eat alot [that needs to stop]. I like really big words. Reading is fun. Capital letters make me happy. I hate the 10th graders now. 

Things that haven't changed. I still want to move to San Francisco. I still cut. I still am worried non stop. I still go on the computer non stop. I still am a nerd. I still am Cat. 

I still love myself. I always will.

I Don't Blame You.

I really am into Cat Power.

Her songs are so mellow.

They calm me.

I broke up with him.

I miss him. It's been less than a week.

I have two different feelings about him.

It's wicked hell. Meh.

The woman that is sitting me is

actually really awesome.

That is the upside to life right now.

I've gotten into writing lately.

I'm writing about my life in story mode.

Real life is ok. When you have family

like I do, there are upsides.

Things that Make my life tolerable

Music                                Art

Coffee                              Family

Animals                          Friends

Mall                                Writing

Books                             Dreams

Have a wonderful life until next time

we meet. Goodnight.

Uptight.

Right now I can feel my heart yelling at my brain.

My brain yells back. There is a battle within me.

I am just so fucked up. It's so amazing

how one thing can change so fast.

I'm not hungry at all. I lie. I feel awkward.

He really loves me? I love him. If he loves me.

I am so confused. I am finding myself

doing homework to calm myself?

Fuck.

When the sun rises in the morning

it creates another full long day of

feeling this wretched pain. This feeling

doesn't go away. It has made a nest in the pit

of my body. It is comfortable here. I am

a cat with a flea. I scratch and scratch, but nothing

stops this itch. I base people off of looks most of the time.

I find myself having guys that like me, I am flattered,

and then I focus on their looks. It screws up things.

I am very shallow. I only care about myself and

a couple certain people in this world. Am I your baby?

My fucked up heart doesn't know yet.

Let my brain use its toxic ink to write out

lies for you. Baby. Your fucked up Baby.

He's calling now.

When he talks to me on the phone, the feeling goes away partially.

He is so straight forward. This brings my thoughts back to

HurricaneAubrey's blog.

I feel so deprived of a natural teenage life.

I want a better life. Dammit. He says I love you. I say it back.

I don't know. Help Me. I can't tolerate it anymore.

I can't live like this. I am going to fix my life. Now.

Cat

Not Ready

I decided to talk about myself. I am a confused little girl. Only a young girl could mistake a small crush as love. Only a big girl could mistake sex and pleasure as love. When is the right time. When will I understand love? I thought I was in love with Luka. After two weeks. What a load of shit. Who, besides a tiny child that doesn't understand the definition of the word love, would think this? I decided to look up the exact definition of love.

Love. 

-Noun-

An intense feeling of deep affection.

A person or thing someone loves.

A scoring term in tennis.

-Verb-

Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)

Hmm.

I got mixed up. I felt the last definition. The verb. I felt sexually attracted to him. But wait. Is that truly love? What did I see? Was it his looks? His attitude? His style? His -Ness?

First came his style. I am attracted to guys that wear skinny jeans, scarves, graphic tees, and punk rocker shoes. I am deprived of these boys where I live. This was grand. My mind was swirling with all of these amazing findings! Finally, a guy that attracts my attention. Next was his face. What a lovely face. What luscious hair. So soft looking, a hint of blonde in his light brown locks. This was a straight shooter. It was obvious I would fall for this boy sooner or later. Next, his -Ness. He was a funny, swearing, stylish boy. He had an optimistic view on his life. He had an accent. He said he didn't. He did. A slight English accent rode his words like a surf board on a wave. He was Japanese as well. Just a little. He spoke Japanese. This was a dream come true. I had stumbled upon a soulmate. Or so I thought. He flirted with me, no doubt. He objected the idea that he would ever flirt with me after the lovely 2 weeks that I spent with him. He swore at me. He let me cry. All I had left were the hormonal feelings left to be unfulfilled, and a heart that was now a pit of sorrow. I wept that day. The next day, I felt like I was recovering. I could maybe fix it? That thought kept me on the brink of happiness. The next day, I sobbed. That day was today. Katie, his victim at the moment helped me. She soothes my feelings, like a potter scores and smoothes his/her work. My friends don't understand much. Have they ever been in a situation such as this dreadful one? I would have to say, I am the girl in my group that has had the most fucked up experiences. This is not a surprise. I go for things. A bit fast. This is the consequence I get. You may be thinking, but Cat, what caused this problem? I would rather not elaborate on the subject. All that matters is I learned a bit about love. Now, just to learn how to forget.

Cat

Broken Heart. Broken Soul.

I thought he loved me.

He cheated. He went behind my back.

He chose her.

I told him my love.

He made me cut. He lied.

I am now officially a mess.

Am I the anti-orgasm?

I hate myself.

Cat